1.When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.” This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies.
7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words ‘**** you,’ and grab the other girl’s ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”
9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she’s cold… but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, “If you don’t stop *****ing about the cold right now, you’re going to be *****ing about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn’t girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she’ll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order interrupt and say “No, she’s not hungry”. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts… and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I’m talking about.
21. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.
22. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
23. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Now don’t call. That’s also quite funny!
PLZ DONT TRY ALL THESE.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
RINGS OF FIRE
WHAT ARE THE 3 RINGS ASSOCIATED WITH WEDDING?
(1) ENGAGEMENT RING
(2) WEDDING RING
AND OF COURSE "SUFFERING"
(1) ENGAGEMENT RING
(2) WEDDING RING
AND OF COURSE "SUFFERING"
Success is 99% failure
In 1832, he was a 22-year old business failure.
• That same year he ran for the legislature and was defeated.
• In 1833, he was a business failure once again.
• In 1836, he was said to have suffered a nervous breakdown.
• In 1838, he lost in an effort to become Speaker of the House in the State Legislature.
• Five years later, he ran for Congress--again it was in vain.
• In 1846, he ran for Congress and won --- only to lose his re-election bid in 1848.
• He ran for the Senate in 1854, and lost.
• He ran for the Vice-presidential nomination in 1856, and lost that too.
• In 1860, he became the 16th President of the United States.
That's right. Honest Abe Lincoln.
This is God, reminding you to never give up. All of our challenges and apparent failures are just growth opportunities for you to grow, fix yourself and be ready for bigger and better things.Keep Going.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Honeymoon
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Simply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
All About Girlz lol
HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREEN SAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Girls:
Also known as WIFE
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREEN SAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Girls:
Also known as WIFE
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
REST AND PEACE
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
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